ON THE BRINK - Your leader in fairly recent news, weather and sports!
No news to report today. It got cold here, so to stay warm, we had to burn all of the forms we normally use to receive faxes and issue press releases. They also came in handy when we ran out of toilet paper. We expect to receive a new box of forms soon but we'll be awhile 'wite-outing' over the previous company's name and logo. In the meantime, for concise and accurate news when you need it, go to www.nationalenquirer.com.
Today, light with occasional reduction and enhancement of light as clouds move around. Light will be decreasing toward sunset, which will be followed by darkness. Darkness is expected to continue for a few hours and temperatures will decline toward sunrise. After sunrise, we anticipate it will grow much lighter and we'll experience a nice warm-up. But don't get the suntan lotion out just yet! After sunset, temperatures will again drop as that darkness returns (frown). So, it's like a big rollercoaster for the next few days. But stay tuned! You know how fickle the weather can be!
In the spirit of the National Education Association's guidance for teaching, we are no longer reporting sports scores on this website. After all, can a cold, hard number ever truly measure the real value of a team? And what about the individual players? Don't they have feelings? To reduce their performance to a collection of statistics is unspeakably destructive! It could do irreparable damage to their sense of self. What really matters is that they play the game, not whether they run the plays right, handle the ball according to the rules, or even understand what game they are playing. So, from now on we will simply be reporting the names of the teams that played, how they felt, and what they were wearing during the game. We'll also have video clips of each team dousing their respective coach with Gatorade (since there are no winners or losers)! By the way, if you'd like to know more about the NEA program that inspired us to make these important changes, the full name of the program is "Meditate, Educate, Deviate, Impregnate, Oscillate, Cultivate, Remediate, Instigate, Titillate, Yell" or MEDIOCRITY for short.
We have elected to suspend our normal financial report until further notice.
To better reflect the financial news coverage of the major networks, we will
be combining "expert" financial analysis with entertainment. Since only
attractive "analysts" can keep viewer attention, all of our "experts" will
be at least as eye-catching as Greta Van Susteren. Coverage of federal
reserve chairman Alan Greenspan will be discontinued because he is old and
wrinkled. In his place, the mutterings of MTV's Ozzy Ozborn will be
deciphered and reported. Our in-depth stock analyses program has been
eliminated to better serve our audience's desire for immediate gratification
and over-simplistic advice. Stocks picks will be now be based on the
recommendations of the daily winner of "The Weakest Link."